Sosad Ireland - Save our Sons and Daughters

ABOUT SOSAD

We lost our lovely Son and Brother to suicide in May 2003. Even though Simon had been suffering from depression, or bi-polar disorder, since the end of 2001, we were still completely shocked that Simon took his own life. Simon was a wonderful Son and part of our family. He was by no way perfect, but we all loved him.

I would like to write about my own experiences. Everyone deals with suicide in their own way so it would be unfair of me to talk on behalf of my wife Valerie and my two other sons Wayne and Lee. I do this in the hope that it will help you if you are suffering or at least help you understand suicide and suicide bereavement.

I am sure that we are all aware of the different emotions associated with the loss of a loved one through suicide. Just to remind us, these emotions include:

Shock
Denial
Anger
Guilt
Bewilderment, why am I ok when Simon is gone
Depression
Fear
Questions, what if? Why?
Blame
Shame
Rejection
Thoughts of suicide
Am I 'crazy'?
Alcohol or drugs abuse

I suffered through most of these after Simon died, and could never talk about every feeling or emotion I have experienced since, there just isn't the space. Instead I want to talk about how I learned to cope by learning and ultimately understanding what Simon had done, why he had done it and the affect it had on me personally.

Obviously the first emotion I experienced after Simon died was shock, along with denial. I couldn't or didn't want to believe that Simon was dead. Even as he lay in the coffin in our front room I still couldn't believe he was really gone. I never let him out of my sight for more than a few seconds. I was in an unreal world of my own and didn't have a clue what was happening or why my world had just fallen apart. It was only a few days after the funeral, when everything quietened down, and everyone stopped calling, that I began to realise that he was really gone. This is when it really began to hurt. My shock was doing its job, protecting my mind from the full impact of Simon's death, but my pain was still so bad that I remember thinking that God had put his hand in my chest and pulled out a chunk of my heart. That is what it felt like. I do think now that if I didn't experience any shock, my mind would have just exploded. As the shock wore off, and this took months, the pain seemed worse, because Simon's suicide and the pain were not obscured by the confusion and numbness of being in totally traumatised.

I tried my very best then to repress my feelings. I wanted to concentrate on my wife Valerie and Sons Wayne and Lee. I wanted to make sure that they were safe and I really wanted to help them through their grief. This worked for a while, but as you can imagine, my own grief came back with a vengeance and I had a breakdown. I fell into a deep depression and all I did was cry all the time. I couldn't cope with the easiest of tasks and mourned for Simon worse than ever. All I did was delayed my own grieving process, even if it was for a very good reason. Today I know that no reason is good enough to delay that process.

I also felt, as a father, that I had really let Simon down, much more than ever before. I knew that Simon had been depressed for about a year and a half before he died and I had been no help to him whatsoever. We did try to get Simon the help he needed but we never succeeded. We begged him to talk to us when he was hurting but he never wanted to, and even tried when he was in good form, but I think that he was afraid to ruin the moment. I felt stupid, useless as a father and felt more pain because I had let Simon down so badly that he had chosen to take his own life. That's how I felt.

They say hindsight is a great thing, but in this case it is anything but. To find out why I had been so useless or stupid as a father, I began to study and research suicide. I talked to many others and e mailed lots more to learn of their experiences with suicide. I read books, articles, papers and anything I could get my hands on. What I learned from all that was that I was not alone in that many, too many in fact, in Ireland and throughout the world had had the exact same experiences with their loved ones and had felt that they had failed them just as I had. I was comforted a bit by the fact that I wasn't so stupid after all; I was just the same as countless others.

What is more important is that my research helped me to understand Simon much more than ever before, and I was able, in a way, to think like Simon did over those last few hours and days. It brings some ease to my pain. I realised the horrible pain he was in and understood that even though Simon made the choice to take his own life, it wasn't a rational choice. I believe now that his depression somehow forced him to believe that suicide was his only option, his only way to end the terrible pain he lived in, and the only way to relieve us, his family, of the burden of looking after him and coping with his depression.

Until I learned this, and really believed it, I tried to find somewhere or someone to blame, in the hope that it would ease my own pain. For example Simon was in hospital about five weeks before he died, but was sent home after being told there was nothing psychologically wrong with him. He cried all the way home because he knew there was something wrong, but the professionals couldn't help him. Five weeks later he was dead. So I thought that blaming the hospital would somehow alleviate some of my guilt and give my grief a different focus, but it didn't work. I also tried to blame others for the same reason, but the only thing this done for me was to make me very angry.

I am quite a religious person, and have had a lot of arguments with God for taking Simon away when he did. The thing that bothered me the most in this regard was the fact that as a good catholic, I had to forgive those who had in any way caused Simon's suicide, or not helped him when they had the chance. Simon's depression manifested itself after he was raped as a 14 year old. Rather than forgive, I wanted to kill those responsible. I actually got very close at one stage but thankfully I was arrested before any real damage could be done. That was bad but what was worse for me was that I couldn't pray properly because I couldn't forgive those who 'trespassed' (as in the Lord's Prayer) against Simon. I went to Mass every Sunday looking for clues and direction. At times it seemed like the priest was talking directly to me about my concerns and worries and it helped a great deal. I needed to be that open. Only much later did I realise that this is how God communicates with me. As for those I was blaming, do I forgive them now? Yes in a way, because I believe that they are the ones who are sick and need help. I am not sure though if I think they should get it. Let them live with the pain to see how it feels.

I have my own history of depression and suicide attempts. After Simon died however, I did think a lot about suicide, but it was very different from before. Now it wasn't about getting out of the horrible position or place I was in, it wasn't so much about pain with no end in sight. It was all about 'joining' Simon, or going to be with him, to look after him, and for once, to make sure he was safe. In the early weeks and months after Simon died, these urges were very strong, and at times I was very afraid that I was going to succumb to these thoughts. This was one reason I didn't have a drink for months. I knew that if I did, my resistance to suicide would go and I would have taken my own life just to be with Simon.

What is strange is that on one hand I wanted to go and join Simon, on the other I wanted to spend all my time with Valerie, Wayne and Lee and make sure they were safe and well. I couldn't see how this ambivalence was possible. I suppose it shows how really confused I was and that it is all part of grief as well. Yet one day, when the shock was wearing off, and I stopped living life in a kind of zombie state, I realised the pain and anguish that suicide leaves behind, and I thought that I would never like to inflict this on my own family and friends again. I recalled Simon's suicide and the horror and pain that followed it for the first time and I wanted it to be the last.

In a way my Simon's suicide was the one thing that made me safe from suicide.

However the joy that came with this breakthrough soon turned to more anguish and blame. I began to remember how Simon had lived most of his life watching me struggle with depression and my attempts at suicide. Thankfully these attempts were one thing I was useless at, and I am able to write to you today. However I began to feel that maybe Simon had seen how bad my struggle was and he thought that he would have to live like that for the rest of his life. I know that this does not seem to be rational but in Simon's state of mind it is quite probable. And so having seeing what he thought was his future, he was kind of forced into suicide, because it was a way out, and because I had tried it lots of times. He had learned it from me.

So you can imagine, or maybe even know how guilty I felt. The guilt was horrible, constant and overwhelming.

I blamed myself:

For not being able to help Simon
For 'teaching' him about suicide
For being a poor father
For being too stupid to find out about Simon's depression and DSH, when he was alive, and not after he had died.

Some people say that you have to get rid of this guilt before you can move on. For me that doesn't work. I still feel some guilt for not being able to help Simon, in other words for being a poor father. I still feel some guilt because Simon didn't feel he could come to me for help. However, even though I knew Simon was struggling, and even after he left a suicide note for us two weeks before he died, and even after he had been cutting himself badly,
I never imagined for one moment that Simon was going to take his own life.

And this is where my research and talking to others has done some good. I now believe that I did everything I could for Simon, given what I knew at the time. Maybe I was too trusting and reliant on medical professionals, but isn't that what we all do when faced with a problem we know nothing about? Even though I had a history of suicide attempts, I had no clue that Simon was considering this option, but again I am not alone in this. It is happening all the time still.

I suppose it all comes down to choices. Simon chose to take his own life. That is hard to swallow, but I have learned and believe that he done it to end his pain, and out of love for us. I don't blame him in the slightest because I now believe that to him, on that fateful day, Simon believed it was his best or only option.

My guilt has not gone away, nor do I want it to. It does not weigh as heavily on my heart as it used to but it is still there and I think about it every day, because every day I think of Simon. But I use it now to drive me forward to help others affected by suicide. It is my motivation in life and I know Simon is watching and guiding me every step of the way.

Thankfully, through years of counselling and medication, I have a kind of a handle on my own depression. I still get very down at times, especially around Simon's birthday, anniversary and other events, but so what, Simon deserves it. I know that it will last a few days and that I will come out of it. I have had only a few thoughts of suicide since that day of realisation, but I can get them out of my head as quick as they come in. I have learned so much.

Another way my grief expressed itself was the huge fear of losing someone else, especially Wayne or Lee. Wayne was 20 when Simon died and Lee was 15. Lee was the worst worry because he and Simon had been so close all their lives. I was terrified that something would happen to them, or worse, that they were experiencing the same suicidal thoughts as me.

The two boys, especially Lee, were plagued every minute of every day because we had to see where they were and to check if everything was ok with them. The wonder of mobile phones. However, as time wore on and the more we all talked openly and honestly, the more we began to trust them and believe that we were actually being overly paranoid. As well as that, they both found beautiful girlfriends within a couple of years, and much of their focus shifted there. Both girls knew what had happened and I credit them with being the best help and support the boys got after Simon died.

Like everyone else who lost someone to suicide, there were lots of questions after Simon died. The 'What Ifs', the 'Whys' etc. For example, I spoke with Simon just a couple of hours before he died. It seemed to me that he was coming out of a bad time and was heading for the good part of bi polar. I tried to engage him in conversation but he told me 'NOT YET'. I still thought that was a good sign and that we would soon be chatting and laughing together and didn't press him. I was actually able to relax and go to bed, thinking that he was going to be ok. I never got to speak to him again.

So 'What if' I had pressed him or went to sit with him or whatever – millions of what ifs. For some part my research and work helped me answer some of my concerns to my satisfaction. I now believe that Simon had his plan and if I had interrupted him, he would have done it another time, given that we didn't know how to help him. Of course again in my case hindsight is really a curse because if I had known then, what I know now, I am sure that I would have been able to help him. Another what if. But the truth is that I didn't know much about suicide then and could not really predict what Simon was going to do, just as I can't predict this week's lotto numbers. I suppose the key word here is satisfaction. I am happy with some of the answers I have worked out for myself and the others will have to wait, until hopefully I get to Heaven and see Simon. Then I will give him the biggest hug ever, give him a clip around the ear for what he has done and then look for the answers I need. Until then I have to wait.

As you have just read, I went through a whole raft of emotions after my Son died. I expect that nearly all people who lost a loved one to suicide went through the same emotions in some form or other. For example my anger was very bad but it only lasted a short time. I know others who still carry lots of anger after years. It would be easier if these grief emotions came one at a time but the problem is that they don't. Stages are not defined and once your guard is down different emotions can queue up to have a go at your vulnerability. I really thought that I was going crazy, and like everyone else in my position, thought this experience was unique to me because I had failed Simon. Not only through his life but through his depression. So it was hard to deal with any issue and it just all got too much. However through counselling, research and talking to others who were in the same boat so to speak, I learned to understand what made Simon take his own life. I also learned what was happening to me and why, and this is how I learned to cope with Simon's suicide.

Now all our efforts go to help others affected by suicide. We really want to reach those in distress or at risk from suicide before any attempt as we believe that we have the skills and resources to help them, but we are equally as willing to offer our full support to those who have attempted suicide as well as those who have unfortunately been bereaved by suicide and are trying to live though the same difficulties we faced. If you or anyone you know could do with our help, then please get in touch and we will do everything we can to help.

The first thing that really shocked me from our research is the huge amount of people dying by suicide in Ireland, and that the actual statistics may well be underestimated due to the amount of undetermined deaths recorded every year and there are suggestions and some proof ( Irish Water Board) that these are actually suicides. Secondly it is clear that there is a distinct lack of resources committed to this tragedy by our Government and the Health Service Executive. I had come across this when Simon was still alive but I mistakenly thought that our case was the exception rather than the rule. Still the Government seems to be doing nothing. So you see. I felt that I really had to do something to help.

So with the help of my Sons, Wayne and Lee as well as my wife, Valerie we began to see how best we can help the fight against suicide. We decided on SOSAD, a new charity aimed at increasing awareness of suicide in Ireland, as well as getting rid of the stigma attached to it. Basically we want to help Irish society get to the stage where no one is afraid to look for help when they or their loved ones are threatened by suicide.

Thank you for visiting out site and hopefully it was of some help to you. If you are unfortunate enough to know someone who has already died by suicide then you might like to enter something about them on our memorial page or even read what others have written. Whatever goes on this page will stay as a permanent memorial to the people included and may also prove to be a comfort to us. Thanks again and remember that "There is Always Hope" and that together we will start to reduce the number of our loved ones who feel compelled to take their own lives.